2-12-13

I need a shoulder to cry on. I am the saddest i think I have been in a very long time. Sadder than when Jana died. Sadder than when ive been hurt by my dad. I am broken down and crying. my heart has been ripped from my soul and smashed into a million of pieces. Why am I so sad? Because I just found out my Oma probably has pancreas cancer and she has less than 4 months to live!!! 4 months I am telling you. I can't take that. 4 months go by too quickly. I am so so afraid I will see her only one time before IF she dies. I dont know if I could take that. I think I will become emotionally depressed. I might even turn gothic. I can not take this. I known Oma for 16 years, 4 months and 15 days or as i should say since the very day I was born. She has become a part of me. Even though I moved away when I was 7, I still love her. Whenever I saw her, I told her all my deep dark secrets. She was always there willing to lend me a hand. I dont think I could take it she left this world. I wont live if she did. And my dad,IF she died, I think he would about die himself. Her effect on this world is so great. So many would miss her. I know Oma, if you read this, you might say you have lived a very good life and God says its my time to go. I know you will only go if it is God's will, but I want to fight for your life. Imagine there being a gigantic rope tied to you. You are in a box and the other end of the rope is wrapped around God's wrist. It is tightly wrapped and since God is so strong all he would have to do would give one flip of the rope and he would bring you crashing into heaven. I am right there grasping and holding unto you with my life. All i need to do is lift the flaps of the box and the new you, free from cancer would be revealed. And the box would be the cancer. Then I would let go of the box and it would go flying to God and he will take it and toss it into the sea and banish it from this world, so it will never come back and enclose your body with it again. I am there tugging on Gods heart, that is initially tied to his wrist. I cant let you go. I can face it if you died. It would just make me disapear into my own box, but this time it would be sorrow. Sorrow that I can't get away from because it is wrapped tightly arround me and drowning me to my own inital heart broken death.

I've always wanted to come and visit Oma, just me and my oma and of course my opa too. I would help my Oma with the gardening, I would make them dinner, I would drive them to town, i would go and to the errands for them. I would spruce up anything that needed it and most of all I would give them the love and company. Oh how ive wanted to do this for over 2 years now. And now IF Oma dies I will never have the chance. I would never be able to take that. I wouldnt be able to forgive my parents for not giving me that chance. Oh how Ive wanted to just spend alone time. Now I may never have that chance and i may even be able to only see her once. I will be lucky enough if i see her twice. This burden I am carrying is splitting my heart. I know I said its already crushed but maybe it still is a little together, glued by the fact that I have a little hope that God can produce a miracle. I am asking who ever reads this journal entry takes the time to lift, me, my family, my relatives, and Most of all my grandma up and that he will heal my Oma and give her a new pancreas. i know that IF she dies, she would have a new one in heaven but thats not how I want it, I want her to live hear on earth with us. Most of all my Oma smokes and this lessons the case of survival. If only she never picked up one of those in the first place.

Please drop me a line, text, phone call, something. I am going to be going through a very difficult time the next four months ahead of me and I dont think i will have much of the heart to bother to text anyone. I will need you guys to reach in there and help heal the heart of mine with a drop of hope. Everyone who reaches out will do something to my heart and theat with lesson the case of me turing dark and depressed. I am telling you this now before I go into a state that will be too hard to fix. Love, Emily